September 26, 2004

• At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to
  be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while
  in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and
  a calculator.  At a morning press conference, Attorney General
  John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious
  Al-gebra movement.

  He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math
  instruction. “Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,” Ashcroft said.  “They
  desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on
  tangents in a search of absolute value.  They use secret code
  names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we
  have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of
  medieval with coordinates in every country.  As the Greek
  philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘ There are 3 sides to every
  triangle’.”

  When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God had
  wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have
  given us more fingers and toes.”

  • 12:35 pm
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